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Parenting from the inside out notes 2
Alliant International University
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Parenting from the inside out notes 2
Parenting From The Inside Out (2013): Chapter 5, 7, 8, 9
CH 5 - How We Attach: Relationships Between Children and Parents
Epigenetic factors – Genes passed on by parents that impact characteristics Attachment style is not static, and can change Secure attachments Attachment – inborn system of the brain, drive to o Seek proximity o Have a source of safe haven in attachment figures o View attachment figure as a secure base to return to ABC’s of attachment o Attunement – aligning your own internal state with those of your children, sharing of non-verbal signals o Balance – children attain balance of their body- emotions, and states of mind through attunement with you o Coherence –the sense of integration that is acquired by your children through your relationship with them in which they are able to come to feel both internally and interpersonally integrated and connected Contingent communication – your actions match up with your words, and you are attuned and coherent Insecure attachments Come from non-attuned, non-contingent communication Avoidantly attached – avoids closeness and emotional connection to the parent o Parents often show little to no emotion Ambivalently attached – child cannot depend on parent for attunement and connection o Parents show inconsistent and intrusive communication o Insecurity in the relationship develops Disorganized attachment Needs are unmet and parent’s bx is repeatedly disorienting (e., parent dissociates when the child cry bc of the parent’s previous trauma/abuse) or instills terror in the child (parent abuses the child) Abuse damages parts of the brain necessary for neural integration Children have difficulty regulating emotions, communicating in social situations, academic reasoning, tendency toward violence, and predisposition to dissociation Fright without solution – parents instill fright, but they cannot resolve it or be a source of comfort/safe base/safe haven (no solution) Science Experience-expectant development – gene info determines the growth of the neural connection, which in turn need to be maintained by exposure to minimal amounts of “expectable” stimulation from the environment
o E. Visual-systems need light, or they will die Experience-dependent growth – neural fibers grow in response to experience itself o This is where attachment patterns happen/develop Pruning of unused neural pathways happens in early years of development, which is influenced by levels of use (lower levels = lose it, higher levels = keep it) o Positive attachment is more important than sensory bombardment though Abuse o Hormone released during traumatic events impacts brain growth o Incoherence – result from experience that impacts the brain Smaller brain size Decreased growth of corpus callosum (that connects right and left brain) Impaired growth of GABA (inhibitory neurotransmitters) Attachment Research Mary Ainsworth – o Infant-strange situation Experiment with play room, mother, and stranger Assessed attachment style by looking at the child’s reaction to mother leaving the child (upset) with the stranger and then what they do when the mother returns (are they able to go back to playing, are they inconsolable, do they avoid the mother) Alan Sroufe o Classrooms and summer-camp settings where kids interact with others o Look at how peers perceive them and how they interact with other adults Securely attached = leadership Ambivalently attached = anxious and uncertain Avoidantly attached = shunned by peers Disorganized = difficulty getting along with others and balancing emotions
CH 7 - How We Keep it Together and How We Fall Apart: The High Road
and the Low Road
High mode of processing o Uses the prefrontal cortex o Reflective thought o Mindfulness, flexibility in our responses, and integrating sense of self-awareness Low mode of processing - o Shutting down higher processes of the mind o Intense emotions, impulsive reactions, rigid and repetitive responses, and lack in self-reflection and consideration of another’s point of view o Prefrontal cortex is off o Reactions coming from this cause distress for parents and children alike o Comes from unresolved issues o Might lead to subjective feeling of being “out of your mind”
Interacts with Automatic Nervous system Disrupted during traumatic events
Cingulate cortex – o Regulates flow of information, chief operator of attention o Takes in bodily input and creates emotional states and expressions o Anterior cingulate cortex – plays fole in initiation, motivation, and goal-directed bx o Cingulate gyrus – ablifier and filter, interconnecting emotional and cognitive components of the mind It is our responsibility to create repair in relationships
CH 8- How we disconnect and reconnect: Rupture and repair
Rupture- disconnection, misunderstanding, o Normal part of relationships Oscillating disconnection and benign ruptures o Breaks in the sense of joining o Misunderstandings o Can still be painful for children, even though they are not particularly severe, and are normal Limit-setting ruptures o When the child desires to do something but the parent cannot allow it o Setting limits can create tension, but it is crucial and beneficial to set healthy limits (no climbing on the table, no ice cream before dinner, no getting a toy each time you go to the store) o Limits need to be clearly and respectfully communicated o When two parents come in and they have different boundary setting strategies, that provides a tough, inconsistent parenting experience
If you are asking your child to be coherent, but we are not being coherent, then the child will not learn the appropriate boundaries Toxic ruptures o Involve intense emotional distress and a despairing disconnection, and can be harmful to the child’s sense of self E., screaming, name-calling, threatening o Feelings of rejection and isolation o Create shame – totalizing feeling of being “bad” o Comes from being in “low road mode” and can’t stop until you get out of that mode The experience of shame o Makes us vulnerable to feeling judged by others o Defense mechanism –automatic mental reaction that attempts to keep us in balance by blocking our awareness of a disorganizing emotion o Shame is bred when there is constant toxic rupture without repair Repair Interactive Starts with parent re-centering o Take a jog o Drink water or tea Cannot “just forget the rupture happened” or it will cause greater disconnect and hurt Understand your history o Understand your own emotional baggage that lead to the rupture o Investigate patterns Initiating repair o Get on the same physical level as your child, as close as is comfortable for them o Keep dual focus in mind o State intentions of repair o Listen to child’s feelings and thoughts, without interrupting, correcting, or judging o Reflect your child’s experience back to them so they know you understand them o State that sometimes people, even parents, have meltdowns o Console and provide nonverbal connection with younger children Accelerator and the brakes o Brain functions Higher thought process of the neocotex (reasoning, complex conceptual thinking Motivational and emotion-generating limbic region of the middle brain Lower, brainstem structures that bring input from the body, involved with instincts and regulation of ths slee-wake cycle, states of alertness and arousal o Yes – accelerator, parasympathetic nervous system o No – brakes, sympathetic nervous system
Intentionality and mindfulness Mindful self-understanding promotes o Mindsight o Self-knowledge o Response flexibility C urious O pen A ccepting L oving Knowing minds Compassion – the ability to feel with another; to be sympathetic, tenderhearted o Caring stance toward the distressful emotional experience of another person o Depends on mirror neuron systems Empathy –understanding the internal experience of another person o Imaginative projection of one’s consciousness into the feelings of another person or object Mindsight o Capacity to “see” or image, the mind of oneself or another, enabling an understanding of behavior in terms of mental processes AKA: Mentalizing, theory of mind, mind reading, reflective functioning Involves insight, empathy, and integration o Develops by age 4, typically o Right hemisphere and prefrontal regions of the brain are required for this Insight – power of observation and discernment, leading to knowledge o Introspection – knowledge of self o Does not necessarily involve empathy or compassion Reflective dialogues – conversations that reflect on the internal processes of the mind o Focus on thoughts, feelings, sensations, perceptions, memories, beliefs, attitudes, intentions o How we “sift” the mind to explore sensations, images, feelings, and thoughts inside one another Metacognition – thinking about thinking
Parenting from the inside out notes 2
University: Alliant International University
